As I scroll down my news feed, I discover that one of my friends in high school passed away. Many of my friends posted statuses about her and the good times they had with her; it was tragic time for our part of the network. However, this got me to think, if I were to pass away tomorrow, would I be satisfied with what I've done so far in my life? And it didn't take me long to get to the answer: no.
I grew up in an Asian family where my parents are particularly conservative and protective of me and my sister. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it just means we grew up with the mind set of "staying in the comfort zone." When I was in elementary school, I was always hesitant to go trick-o-treating, unless I was accompanied by my mom or my sister. When I was in middle school, I was on the swim team but I could not jump off a diving board, so I only did backstrokes in swim meets. When I got to high school, I was always with the same group of friends I knew and I never had the courage to talk to people outside of my group of friends. Even now in college and of age, I refuse to drink alcohol or go to clubs. It just goes to show that I cannot step outside of my comfort zone and try new things.
When I start to reflect on the things I've done in my life, from as far back as I can remember, up to the present, there's also another patterned that I noticed about myself: I never gave full effort for anything I did. I didn't work the hardest in elementary school, I didn't try my best to improve myself in tennis in middle school, I didn't push myself the hardest for grades and SATs in high school, and now in college, I'm not trying my hardest to maintain a good academic record. I ask myself, do I love what I do? The answer is yes, but then why on earth am I not putting 100% into what I do?
When I start to reflect on the things I've done in my life, from as far back as I can remember, up to the present, there's also another patterned that I noticed about myself: I never gave full effort for anything I did. I didn't work the hardest in elementary school, I didn't try my best to improve myself in tennis in middle school, I didn't push myself the hardest for grades and SATs in high school, and now in college, I'm not trying my hardest to maintain a good academic record. I ask myself, do I love what I do? The answer is yes, but then why on earth am I not putting 100% into what I do?
Low and behold, I realized it was because I was afraid that I would fail, even if I tried my hardest.
I may have ambitions to one day become an entrepreneur, to change the world for the better, and to gain more respect for Taiwan. However, those are all dreams that are still far away. And I realized that I am nothing but a wimp that has no courage to take the leap of faith, to step out of my comfort zone, simply because I fear failure.
I fear that I will fail even though I give my all. I fear that even if I stay in my room 24/7 studying, I will fail. I fear that even if I do each practice problem 100 times, I will fail. I have many reasons why I fear and many things that I fear, even though it never occurred to me.
But after seeing one of my friends pass away, I realized that I can't continue like this. If I do, I will just fail by default. Steve Jobs once said: "For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something...almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose."
My only option left is to start giving my 100% and pray to God that it will somehow succeed in what I do. Why? Because I have nothing to lose.
I fear that I will fail even though I give my all. I fear that even if I stay in my room 24/7 studying, I will fail. I fear that even if I do each practice problem 100 times, I will fail. I have many reasons why I fear and many things that I fear, even though it never occurred to me.
But after seeing one of my friends pass away, I realized that I can't continue like this. If I do, I will just fail by default. Steve Jobs once said: "For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something...almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose."
My only option left is to start giving my 100% and pray to God that it will somehow succeed in what I do. Why? Because I have nothing to lose.
I need to start changing my lifestyle, what I eat, what I do on a daily basis, how I manage my time, and most importantly my priorities in life. And when I am satisfied with my lifestyle, then I can ask myself again, if I were to pass away tomorrow, would I be satisfied with what I've done so far in my life?
